How long would you wait to become the person you always wanted to be? What bad habits did you intend to drop in the process, and how long would it take for you to become serious about losing them? What would inspire you to move faster towards whomever you had hoped you would be?
I have a Suspicious Lump. So far I have only told my boyfriend, and any thousands of people who might come across this spot in the interweb. In the seconds after I told him, the silence was loud with the sound of our thoughts and fears. I saw myself becoming pitiable, my hair falling out, my face swelling like a melon, my every action, word, or thought suddenly becoming mawkishly significant. In short, I saw the Lifetime movie version of What Could Happen.
I saw the selves I hoped I wouldn't still be by the time I approached death. The girl whose thank you cards arrive two months after the appreciated event. The girl who bails on you for whomever or whatever else she prefers at the moment. The girl who entertains mean thoughts yet pretends to be all nice, all the time. The girl who yells at her parents. The girl who makes excuses that are second cousins to lies. And then I saw the girl who would be too proud to, on the motivation of a cancer scare, endeavor to change all that because it might seem Too Obvious Or Trite. Now don't judge too harshly, for total honesty ought to be its own recommendation for mercy. This is still me, and I am far from a saint. But the pride is a disguise for the girl who is hoping that this is not the limit of her time to create something more wonderful than the last thing she did or was. Lump or no lump, my days must be different, because I only have time for one great thing.
In other news, my supervisor said something nice about me today. It's notable because of the way she does it: with no warning, with no indication of the inspiration, and with plenty of encouragement. "You know, you are going to be such a good teacher." Visible surprise registers on my face.